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Post By Visionary finally remembers what the title of this one originally was going to be Sun Jan 29, 2006 at 08:27:08 pm EST |
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Very Public Relations | |
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“I’ll take a corned beef and pastrami triple-decker, with lettuce, tomato, cole slaw, and Russian dressing, and a large order of seasoned fries on the side” Visionary ordered, practically drooling as he did so. “Well, that’s one way to get out of this Mera’h birthing ritual thing” Fleabot observed mildly. “Did you want to check if they have any saturated fats in a tub that you could just inject directly into your aorta instead?” Visionary pointedly ignored the barb as he claimed his receipt, then found a table by the window of the crowded deli. “Hmmmph… Spoken like a guy who’s never sampled the true bliss of corned beef on marble rye before.” He took a deep breath and held it, but then let it out in a sigh. “Not that I’m not looking for any viable out to that promise about doing a Caphan-style birth.” “Yeah, about that… Why exactly did the mother of your child want you to have a marathon orgy with half of the Parodyverse?” “It’s not like that!” Visionary protested. “It’s just that, when the question of parentage has been raised, Caphan tradition calls for the father to prove his virility on the bodies of the most expertly trained pleasure slaves so as to remove all doubts about his natural ability… Or something similarly insane.” He shook his head. “I try not to be too judgmental about Caph, but that’s one really messed up planet.” “Yes, hard to imagine that a world ruled completely by men and populated near exclusively, based on all observable evidence, by incredibly hot, mostly-naked females would be so preoccupied with sex.” “They keep telling me it’s not like that. Sex is the highest form of artistic expression in their culture.” “It’d certainly make the Parodiopolis Theater for the Performing Arts sell-out a hell of a lot more often.” Fleabot jumped down to the table. “So it’s your horrible duty to have to hook up with a bevy of beautiful, voluptuous Caphan sex experts. Sort of a ‘Fake Man’s Burden’.” He shook his head mournfully. “Let’s hope this tradition doesn’t catch on here on Earth… There’s more than enough of you advanced monkeys here as it is.” “It’s not the Caphan half that scares me” Visionary noted, withdrawing a folded piece of paper from his coat. “Well, okay, it is. But that’s not the worst of it.” He opened the list with dread and smoothed it out on the table. “It’s that Miiri expects me to pick out and invite the other half the 8 members of the Mera’h ceremony from the ranks of our closest friends and allies.” “Really" the mechanical flea noted with malicious glee. “Are you telling me… I just want to get this perfectly straight… In the words of Al B. Harper… Are you telling me you have a schtupping list?” “No, I do not have a schtupping list!!!” Visionary exclaimed indignantly. Rather too loudly, it turned out, as he drew enough attention to turn beet red. He cleared his throat and lowered his voice to a hiss. “It’s a list of people who would “honor our house by agreeing to participate in this ancient Caphan ceremony”.” “…Where they have to physically pleasure your body for 36 hours straight.” Visionary groaned and sank his head to the table in defeat. “I was hoping to avoid getting around to mentioning that part.” “Mmhmmm…” the tiny robot noted judiciously. “But then, I suppose it might get awkward if you wait until you’ve all been stripped down and lathered in oils to bring it up.” He grinned evilly. “Speaking of bringing it up…” “Don’t even start” Visionary growled. “I just need to ask some people, to put Miiri’s mind at ease so she can stop worrying about the whole thing and so I can buy myself a little more time” he argued. “I’m sure I’ll eventually think of something to clear up this whole thing.” “Yeah, that’s what you’re known for, all right… I can’t tell you how many times the phrase “Don’t worry… Visionary will think of something” has echoed through the halls of the Lair Mansion.” Fleabot chuckled and perused the list thoughtfully. “Wow” he noted. “Do you have any idea how much this list would be worth to the right people?” “Right people?” the Legionnaire asked dangerously. “Right people, wrong hands…Tomayto, tomahto, whatever. Just think of it: Who Made Visionary’s Secret Shag List? It’d sell more papers than William Randolf Hearst.” He tapped his chin thoughtfully. “I’d have suggested blackmail money, but that’s really only worth as much as you’ve got… and I’ve seen the appraisal on your car. Still, the entertainment value of leaking what you were considering to some of these ladies would be… priceless.” “You promised that if I shared what was troubling me, you’d not be evil about it” Visionary reminded him pointedly. “True… but you knew who you were dealing with” Fleabot shrugged without remorse. “Anyway, it’s an impressively diverse list…” “Miiri added most of them” “Yes, I can see. For someone who has only been reading and writing for a year, she has lovely penmanship. Yours, however, looks like it may have been written by someone having a seizure.” “It was a bit stressful having to come up with names.” “I’ll bet. But at least you got inventive” He raised a microscopic eyebrow. “Kathy Ireland? Is she really one of our closest friends and allies?” “Are any of these others still going to be if I ask them to let me have sex with them for a day or two straight?” “You may have a point. So how’s it looking with Kathy?” “I’m still waiting to hear back from her people.” “Good luck with that” Fleabot offered. “Order number forty-three!” a blonde waitress called out, holding up a tray with a basket of food. “Over here!” Visionary answered eagerly, waving his receipt in the air even as he snatched the incriminating list off of the table and stuffed it back in his pocket. The zaftig blonde approached and laid the food out for him. “Here you go, hon’… One turkey club on whole grain, with extra bean sprouts, hold the bacon and mayo, and a large side of carrot sticks.” “Wait… what?” Visionary blinked in despair. “There must be some mistake… that’s not what I ordered!” He double checked the receipt. “Yeah, luckily Stavros behind the counter there recognized you from the flyers that were handed out last week.” She patted the Legionnaire on the back and nodded to the sickeningly healthy sandwich. “Standing orders… You need to watch your cholesterol. Oh…” she added as an afterthought. “Tell Shep that Jorge followed her advice and talked to that lawyer woman, and the insurance company buckled and cleared the way for his son’s new wheelchair after all! And thank her again for all she did to help my sister through that time with her no-good husband, will you?” She smiled and waved as she headed back to pick up the next order. “Dammit!” Visionary grumbled darkly. “Yeah, tough break about Jorge’s kid getting that new wheelchair.” “How long do I have to suffer for almost having my heart explode and take the entire world down into a pit of darkness? I just want one decent meal now and then! One tiny bit of satisfaction in my life… Is that so much to ask for?” “Remind me, Mr. Martyr… Exactly how many incredibly hot sex experts are you being forced to bed again?” Fleabot asked pointedly. “Besides, if you’re really so set on dying for your beliefs, why not have that Liu Xi kid blink you halfway across the world for a greasy sandwich?” “Hmmph” Visionary snorted with disdain. “The sandwich making arts have reached their pinnacle here in America.” “I knew there must be a reason why you’re all growing so collectively pear shaped, after all.” “But that’s beside the point…” the Regular continued, ignoring the commentary. “It’s a battle of wills now. I’m going to cheat on this diet fair and square. There’s no way Sarah could possibly have gotten to every single food service worker in the Parodiopolis, Gothemetropolis, Willingham restaurant industry!” “I dunno… the odds seem to be with her so far. Hey, do you think maybe she’s in league with Dancer on this one?” “There’s an outside possibility” Visionary growled through clenched teeth. There was the tingling of the bell over the entrance as a familiar figure popped her head through the door, looking about before settling on the man in the yellow coat. “Ah there you are!” Meggan Foxxx (aka Action Figure, aka the Lair Legion’s official PR spokeswoman) stated happily, sauntering over to them with a walk that turned more than a few heads in the crowded delicatessen. “Dancer said I might find you here.” “Yes… imagine that” the Legionnaire stated flatly, then sighed. He stood up and offered Meg a chair at his small table. The porn-star/stripper/mother of CrazySugarFreakBoy smiled as she sat down and peeled off her jacket, emphasizing her chest dramatically, which needed no help under any circumstances. “Have I got great news for you!” she said with a wolfish grin. “Really?” he asked, sitting down with interest. “I could use a bit of that just about now…” “Yes, he’s suffering from bland luncheon meats” Fleabot explained helpfully. “We’re thinking of setting up some kind of telethon for relief.” “Look, I know you’ve been having a rough go of it, and that’s the main reason I was hired to help you guys out in the first place” she offered by way of opening. “I mean, just because some repressed jackoffs want to get up on their high horses and call you out for having a healthy, sweaty, rampant, consensual sex life as sublimation for their desire to go sneak out to the barn at night, lube up and offer their backsides for an extra thick dose of that high horse’s…” “Yes! Right! Okay…” Visionary agreed, blushing. “I get the picture.” “Heh… Miiri’s right, you’re cute when you panic.” “You’ve been talking to Miiri?” Fleabot asked. “Oh, sure… Now those Caphan gals know their stuff” she observed. “Of course, I still managed to teach ‘em a thing or two about performance… they had the highbrow stuff down pat, but they said they had never seen “so energetic a visual display” as my scene in Beach Blanket Bareback. So I gave ‘em copies of my best work on DVD for them to study. In return they showed this old dog some new tricks of her own. Hell, I’m working out with some new exercises they taught me right now.” Visionary regarded the sitting woman questioningly for a moment before it hit him. “Can I get a water?” he called quickly to the passing waitress. “Plenty of ice, please.” “So anyway, you’ve been so great helping me get settled into this job with the Legion, giving me all of Cheryl’s old contact lists and passing on whatever secrets she shared about the job… that tip about Mike Wallace’s love of Captain Morgan has already come in handy… that I wanted to do ya a favor in return.” “Er…” Visionary began carefully. “You don’t really need to go to any trouble…” “Nonsense. So here’s the thing… I overheard Miiri talking about this ritual shindig that’s to go along with her squeezing out the little one… Way to go on that, by the way. Seems Finny wasn’t the only one packing a super schlong, eh?” she gave him a bawdy wink. “Anyway, I hear these things were real to-do’s back on Caph… Everything but the marching band involved. So I said to myself, Meg… those two sweet kids deserve nothing less here at home for all that they’ve done. Knowing that, I pulled out all the stops and started throwing my weight around… and with my center of gravity, you just know I aimed high.” A sinking feeling was growing in the Regular’s stomach. “Wait… what?” “Miiri says this party of yours is usually attended by all sorts of Caphan VIPs and whatnot. Well, I’ve been on the phone for a week straight lining up a guest list like you wouldn’t belive! Everybody who’s anybody who’s not rabidly anti-hero right now. And those people are nobodies. Actually, they’re festering little....” “Um…” Visionary tried again, blinking in rising panic. “What are these guests going to do?” “Hmmm? Well, observe your little ceremonial thingie” Meggan stated. “What else?” “As if your ceremonial thingie wasn’t going to be little enough with the pressure you were already under.” Fleabot offered gleefully under his breath. “And not just the rich and famous! Miiri says that this Mera’h thing is usually performed in the center dais of the ceremonial temple, with the heads and escorts of various clans watching on. Things are a little tricky what with the current popularity of Special Resolution 1066 and other laws around the world, but I’ve found that there are plenty of rebellious royalty in any family that want to make a loud statement of support.” “God save the queen” Fleabot noted. “And, speaking of rebellion… here’s the real coup… I’ve landed not one, but two First Daughters for the guest list! Wait ‘til the public sees that kind of support for our boy here! The conservative movement’s gonna plotz.” The little robot was near bursting with glee. “You have no idea” Despite his life passing before his eyes, Visionary latched on to something she said. “Um… See their support?” he croaked. “Damn straight” Meg answered with a grin. “Exclusive worldwide television rights. We’re going to ride this story straight back into the good graces of John Q. Public! What could be more endearing to the heartland than an expression of love over a child’s birth?” “They’ll certainly see an expression of love, all right” Fleabot allowed. Visionary swallowed thickly and grasped the edge of the table for support before continuing. “Um… Meg… What did Miiri tell you about the actual details of the ritual?” “Hmmm?” the incredibly busty woman replied. “Well, not so much to be honest. Good catch. You should probably lay it out for me so I can fine tune the details.” The Legionnaire exchanged glances with the robotic flea, and then reached for his cel phone. “Don’t want to just use your comm. card?” “And go through Hallie? Are you kidding me?” Visionary gulped weakly. “Um… Miiri?” he asked as she picked up at the Lighthouse. “Yeah, I’m here with Meg, and we were just talking about the Mera’h… Do you think you could run down the details for her? Please?” Meggan Foxglove raised an eyebrow and accepted the phone. “Yeah? Heya kiddo. So what’s the scoop?” She pursed her lips as she listened. “Uh-huh. Ah. Really? For that long? Is it tag team or gang? Right. Well, you’d have to after the first few hours. Do you use a… Ah! Clever. Sure, that’s how I’d do it. Hmmmm? No… no problem! Well, we may have to make a few little changes here or there. Yeah, absolutely! Don’t you worry, I’ll take care of everything. Right. Okay, take care hon.” She hung up the phone and tossed it back to Visionary. “So...?” the Regular asked. “Yeah… I gotta make a few calls of my own” she said, getting up. “I’m thinking maybe you’d just rather save the photo op for another occasion, huh? I'll go call off the dog and ponies.” He exhaled in relief as he stood. “Thanks Meg… I really appreciate this.” “Hey, no sweat… I said I wanted to do you a little favor. I’m actually flattered, especially after what Miiri said about what it means to be picked. Don’t you worry none… I’ll do my best representing the home team. Hell, I know all about how performance anxiety can affect a guy on the set. I’ll make sure you hold up your family honor when I’m in the ring with ya.” She winked and patted him on the rump as she passed. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go get a network executive drunk. And maybe set up a little side bet with Deeela…” Visionary stood twitching slightly long after she was out the door. “Did I just… did she…?” “Okay, so you’re up to satisfying five sex experts now” Fleabot tallied helpfully. “On the plus side, you only have three more to find. All in all, it shouldn’t be too hard for you to bang out a guest list.” Visionary turned to glare at him. “So to speak” the tiny robot added innocently. |
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